Thursday, May 22, 2014

Missing Silas

Monday night was one of those nights. I have these nights, here and there, when I'm suddenly stricken with sadness or angst. Most days carry with them more of a dull ache, the weariness of waiting, but I tread on trying to make the most of the day. And yet every once in a  while, I get sick of waiting and start to wonder why he's not here or fear that he's not well taken care of during his wait. I wonder... and my assumptions about his environment in the orphanage never add up to what a home and loving parents can offer--attention, touch, listening, belonging, instruction, nurturing, even adventure! Day after day must be at best structure and a taste of that weighty list.

I was tired and trying to unwind while the boys (my husband and my son) played at the park. I did what I always do when I feel like this: I painted, I prayed, I wept. How many times have I drawn this same little picture we received in October? I'm sure he's changed a lot in these seven plus months. But that felt yellow sweater and corduroy blue pants with that puzzled face is etched in my mind. 

I've been painting letters and realized that one letter was missing from his name in my collection thus far: i. That little "i" that was told to stand up against the wall for a photo-opp. That little "i" that's waiting to be picked up.


Each one of those children--each one of those orphans--is a little "i" standing alone. They congregate, as they grow into big "I"'s, grappling with the question of where they belong. They will quite likely grow to find the world as an unsafe place where they must stand alone, guarded and disconnected.

The next day brought some disappointing news, it seems again that my mental timeline is too speedy for reality. I was hoping to travel this summer, August being a four letter word in my mind, but I've suddenly come to feel that those four letters are ASAP. Nothing has been delayed, no hiccups or horror stories to tell here, just further educated guesses.


All of our paperwork has been logged into the Chinese system! We heard we were "LID" (logged-in date) a few weeks later so I didn't blare it out here, 'twas a bit anticlimactic. 

Good News: Do you remember what date our Match Pre-Approval with Silas expired (i.e. all of our paperwork had to be logged-in in order to make sure we keep our match)? It seemed pretty impossible. {And this is where I say it made it there on time, right? Well, not exactly...} The date was April 18th. That's the Friday before the Monday it was indeed LID. But you know what? That's huge! I had completely given up on it getting there in the ballpark, and was once again simply operating on ASAP. And ASAP turned out to be alarmingly close! Praise God that He does greater things than we imagine! 

Next Steps: We're awaiting our Letter of Acceptance from China with XinLin's name on it! After that, it's some more paperwork--this time immigration--and then travel plans! 


  • Please pray for our swift acceptance as his parents! 
  • Pray also for the grants we have applied for. We have money made from my art sale recently... and that's about it! It was not our plan to rely on a network of both strangers and friends, but apparently it was God's. He's got a way of getting people to lean on Him and to work together.
Thank you for your ongoing support!
Keep painting... (and praying... and crying),
A